Cows In Space?
by darkin520
Summary: Ever wonder what exactly they did with the cows during the beef ban? Read to find out. Silly humor. Set sometime in the first season. One-shot. *COMPLETE*


**A/N: If you read my recent story 'A Little Slice of Humble Pie', you'll notice I played on the beef ban. Because that was a response to a forum challenge, a lot of the readers were out-of-fandom, and the most asked question I received was, "What did they do with all the cows?" Well, that got me thinking because the show writers never did mention that, did they?**

**So what started as a joke to my lovely friend, ReadingBlueWolf, became reality. This is as close to crack!fic as I'm going to get. It's going to be silly, but maybe it'll give you a good laugh. I regret nothing. I hope you enjoy!**

**Cows In Space?**

"This has _got _to be a joke!"

Ben Krieg wandered into the mess hall, ranting at the top of his lungs. From her corner of the room, Kristin normally wouldn't take much notice. But on this particular day, she couldn't help but wonder. Since his little beef smuggling adventure, she had learned to pay more attention to Ben when he said something.

She was about to ask what the problem was when Katie beat her to the punch. Kristin simply sat down once again, listening intently.

"Okay, Ben, I give. What's the joke?" Katie asked, folding her arms over her chest.

Jonathan put his head in his hands, shaking his head. "Haven't you learned yet not to get him started? We need to be on the bridge in ten minutes. I'm not sure we've got the time."

"Cool your jets, Commander," Ben told him, taking a seat across from him. "When you hear this, you're going to be up in arms too. It's just…absolutely insane."

Jonathan sighed. "Well, don't keep us waiting then. Spill it."

"As if the beef ban isn't enough, I think that crazy government of ours has finally lost its marbles. They've finally decided what to do with all the cows…and it's not the slaughterhouse."

When Ben didn't say anything more, Katie finally said, "Well? Aren't you going to tell us?"

"I was waiting for you to guess," he replied.

"Ben, we don't have time for shenanigans," Jonathan said, tapping on the face of his watch with his finger. But he then had an afterthought. "Wait a minute; how did you hear about this anyway?"

"I've got a guy," Ben finally said. "How do I find out anything I know? I'm just lucky that way. But fine, I'll tell you. They're-"

At that moment, however, Kristin's PAL unit beeped, causing her to jump. She swore quietly under her breath as she picked it up and moved into the corridor where it was much quieter. "Westphalen."

"Good morning," Nathan's voice sounded from the device. "I hope I'm not catching you at a bad time."

"No, not at all. What can I do for you?"

"Well, we've received a rather unusual request. I normally wouldn't bother you with such things, but…" He let out a deep sigh. "Do you have time to meet me in the ward room. I should probably explain it to you in person."

"Of course. Um, just let me stop in the lab and hand out a few instructions, and I'll be right there. Say, fifteen minutes?"

"That should be fine. See you then, Doctor."

As she heard the PAL unit go dead, Kristin couldn't help but wonder what in the world was going on. She simply gave a shake of her head, deciding she'd find out soon enough. She quickly headed in the direction of the science lab, hoping that whatever it was, it was nothing dangerous.

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Right on schedule, Kristin showed up outside the ward room door fifteen minutes later. The first thing she noticed, however, was the closed door. It normally wasn't kept closed unless there was some sort of meeting going on. Nathan hadn't mentioned anything, but she didn't feel right just barging in. She knocked lightly and waited for some sort of response.

She felt better when she heard Nathan's reply to enter, but as she did so, she was surprised to see Nathan wasn't alone. She smiled warmly. "Scott, I didn't realize you were visiting." She walked towards him to give him a hug in greeting.

Commander Scott Keller nodded. "Well, it was sort of a last-minute visit…and unfortunately, not exactly a social call. Work to be done."

"Isn't that always the way it goes?" she said with a light laugh. But then she turned to Nathan, whom she noticed wasn't smiling. "Something's wrong?"

"Well…" Nathan began. "Wrong isn't the word exactly. Strange is more like it."

She raised an eyebrow. "Well, don't keep me in suspense."

"I think you'd better sit down," Nathan told her, pulling out a chair.

"Very well." She sat down, taking a deep breath. "Is it going to put me into cardiac arrest as well?"

"It might," Nathan replied, no sign of humor in his voice. He looked at Scott. "Maybe it would be better if you explained it, since this is your doing?"

Scott gave a nod and sat down across from her, and Nathan took the seat next to her. "You see, since we've discovered the problem with the cows ruining the ozone layer, there's been an ongoing debate about what exactly to _do _with all of them."

"I thought they were going to be slaughtered to feed the hungry?" Kristin asked.

"That was the original plan, yes, but it didn't quite work out. Animal rights activists were banging down the UEO's doors. Not only that, the Hindus didn't like that idea either. So after much deliberation, we decided on a better solution that everyone seems happy with," Scott explained.

"And that is?"

"We're putting them in space," Scott replied matter-of-factly.

Kristin stared at him for a long moment and then shifted her gaze to Nathan. Both men looked so stone-faced and serious, she decided this had to be some sort of elaborate practical joke. She suddenly burst out laughing. "Okay, you two, that was a good one. I'm quite surprised you went to such lengths, but-"

Nathan placed a hand on her shoulder. "Kristin, it's not a joke."

She stopped laughing, her smile fading away. She looked at Scott, who nodded his head in confirmation. "It…it's not?"

"I wish it were," Nathan replied.

"Now you need to understand," Scott continued, "I know this sounds very bizarre, but it really seemed the only solution to appease everyone. There are about forty million cows on Earth right now. Of course, the government is allowing dairy farmers and certain religious sects, such as the Amish, to keep a regulated amount of cattle. However, we'd like to at least reduce the world's cattle population by half."

Kristin shook her head. "I can't believe what I'm hearing."

"The cows will be well-taken care of. We've got scientists at the space program working on bovine space helmets as we speak. As you know, through the years, we've found several planets that mimic the Earth in structure and atmosphere. We've decided to move a majority of the cows to the planet, which we've named Planet Cow."

"How very original," Kristin muttered dryly.

Scott ignored her comment. "But that's where you come in."

"Me?"

"I requested you because…well, you're one of the few people I trust to handle something like this. We need a sustainable food source for them. Unfortunately, we're fairly certain the cows' digestive systems couldn't handle the vegetation. We want something safe, but of course, one that will survive the harsh environments the planet can encounter."

"You want me to drop everything to…to create food for cows?" she scoffed.

"I told you she wouldn't go for it," Nathan said.

"I haven't said no either," she pointed out, turning back to Scott. "But if you have scientists working on bovine space helmets, which by the way is the most preposterous idea I've ever heard, why-"

Scott crossed his arms over his chest. "Any more preposterous than an oxygen tank for a dolphin?"

Kristin's face became red. "That…that is entirely different. First of all, Darwin is a highly intelligent creature, who helps in our scientific explorations nearly every day. And without that oxygen tank, he could die."

"Are you suggesting that those cows are any less valuable than your dolphin?"

"Well, can any of your cows talk?"

"Sure, they can. They say moo all the time," Scott replied.

Kristin opened her mouth to speak when she heard Nathan whispering to her quietly.

"Might I remind you that Darwin doesn't talk? His squeaks and whistles are simply translated through the vocoder into speech patterns that we can understand. It's not exactly rocket science."

Kristin frowned, blowing a stray curl out of her face. She knew Nathan was right. But really? Space helmets for cows? She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Look, Kristin." Scott's voice was gentler this time. "I know it seems ridiculous. Do I like the idea? Not particularly, but as I said, this was the only solution that seemed to appease everyone. We'd put them down here, but I'm not sure we have enough submarines." He laughed slightly. "That was a joke, you know."

"Haha," she replied sarcastically.

"Do you have a better solution?"

She thought for a moment. "Well, no."

"Would you rather see the cows die? Be slaughtered one by one?"

She sighed. "If it were to feed starving people, I'd understand. I don't like the idea of dying animals, but it's reality."

"Well, as I said, there were too many problems with that idea." He paused. "Admiral Noyce already gave the permission if you'll agree to help me."

"What about your team of scientists?" she asked.

Scott shook his head. "They haven't been able to create anything that worked well enough. Either it couldn't survive in space or it made the cows sick. So what do you say? A very generous amount of money would be heading towards your science research if you agree."

"Oh, sure, kick me while I'm down," she said with a light smile.

"I wouldn't come to you, except I'm desperate. If you say yes, we'll leave right away."

She glanced towards Nathan, as if asking his permission.

"Knowing you, you'll be back in a week or two," he told her. "We'll survive without you."

She nodded and turned to Scott. "All right. But I better not end up regretting it."

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Two weeks later, Scott Keller and Kristin stepped off the launch and into _seaQuest's _launch bay. Nathan was standing there to greet them both, pulling Kristin into a welcome back hug.

"See, it didn't take you long, did it?" Nathan told her.

"Everyone was quite impressed with her. I'm telling you, Nathan, we're going to have her in the space program yet."

She shook her head. "I'm sorry, Scott, but that won't be happening any time soon. I much prefer things in the ocean, thank you."

"Didn't we have fun over the past couple of weeks?"

"Fun? Perhaps, but quite frankly, I don't want to see another cow as long as I live. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a dolphin I've missed." She turned to leave.

Scott let out a sigh, and Nathan put an arm around his friend's shoulder. "Don't worry, Scott; she just finds greener pastures down here."


End file.
